Thinking of Having Kids?

LESSON 1

	Go to the supermarket.
	Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
	Go home.
	Pick up the paper.
	Read it for the last time.

LESSON 2

	Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their methods of discipline. Lack of patience. Appallingly low tolerance levels. Allowing their children to run wild.
	Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.
	Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

LESSON 3

	To discover how the nights will feel... Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
	At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
	Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag until 1AM.

LESSON 4

	Can you stand the mess children make?
	To find out smear peanut butter on the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
	Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
	Stick your fingers in the flower bed then rub them on the clean walls.
	Cover the stains with crayons.
	How does that look?

LESSON 5

	Get ready to go out.
	Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
	Go out the front door.
	Come in again.
	Go out.
	Come back in.
	Go out again.
	Walk down the front path.
	Walk back up it.
	Walk down it again.
	Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
	Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
	Retrace your steps.
	Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
	Give up and go back into the house.
	You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

LESSON 6

Repeat everything at least, if not more than, five times.

LESSON 7

	Go to the local supermarket.
	Take with you the closest thing you can find to a preschool child. (A full-grown goat is excellent.)
	If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
	Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
	Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
	Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

LESSON 8

	Hollow out a melon.
	Make a small hole in the side.
	Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
	Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
	Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
	Tip half into your lap.
	The other half just throw up in the air.
	You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

LESSON 9

	Move to the tropics.
	Find or make a compost pile.
	Dig down about halfway in and stick your nose in it.
	Do this 3-5 times a day for two years.

LESSON 10

	Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: No more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.)
	Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
	You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

LESSON 11

	Start talking to an adult of your choice.
	Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from LESSON 10 above.
	You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

LESSON 12

	Put on your finest work attire.
	Pick a day in which you have an important meeting.
	Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
	Stir.
	Dump it on your nice shirt.
	Also, saturate a towel with this mixture.
	Attempt to wipe it off with this towel.
	Do NOT change. You have no time.
	Go directly to work.

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